Saturday, 20 January 2018

Addressing My Flaws


I'm currently 'PMSing'...so although I like my little space on the Internet to be a place for positivity, I also like to keep it real. Not a single person is happy 100% of the time and sometimes it's just nice to know someone is going through similar feelings. So I hope this post helps anyone else who feels they need to address some of their bad features. 

I'm not writing this post to put myself or anyone else down. In no way, shape or form is that my intention. I just want to address my flaws so I can become more aware of them and therefore that will push me to do something about them. I think it's a positive thing in a funny kind of way. 

I think sometimes it's a good idea to look at yourself and think how could I improve myself and my mindset? Surely that's healthy? As long as you're not super self destructive and put yourself in a pit of depression then it's okay.

I guess this is a bit of an open letter to myself, just me thinking out loud. 
I find writing is the way that I release any subconscious thoughts and the only way I can kind of ..'get it all out'.



I push people away.

I've been hurt in the past. Because of this...if I feel myself getting attached to someone, I'll push them away. I'll convince myself that I love them more than they love me and that we are not on the same level. This makes me quite high maintenance in relationships. If I don't feel like you're showing me enough love, I won't show you any. I do it to avoid getting hurt. I tell myself it's better to ruin things myself than be thrown into it and be left broken-hearted. Sometimes I can throw away a perfectly good friendship or relationship because I'm paranoid that things are too good to be true. 

I take things to heart.

One simple comment off someone can give me a huge complex that will never ever go away. In 2011 I got told at one point I could be too clingy. It was just a passing comment and meant in a caring way but 7 years on and I will not allow myself to become clingy to anyone now. I can be reliant on people, but I'm not clingy in the sense of I need kisses and cuddles and sending 1000 texts a day. And it's all because of that one comment. I won't ever go blonde again even if I wanted too because someone said 'I didn't really like your hair blonde'
Why should it matter what someone else thinks? Unfortunately...that's the way I work and I hate it.

I need reassurance. 

I will convince myself that someone doesn't like me or that I'm being annoying or that you're in a mood with me if you don't reassure me every so often. I'll convince myself that things are falling apart when they are not. I rely on reassurance quite a lot. Just reassure me and I'll be fine. That's the way to work me. 

I'm not an affectionate person.

To me...this isn't a flaw. I think if you're not a touchy feely person then that's OK. People should be understanding of that but unfortunately that isn't the case a lot of the time. I feel like I have to include this as a flaw because people have told me it's not normal to be like that, especially in a relationship. I don't do the whole 'Lets cuddle on the sofa' or 'I need a kiss' or 'Lets hold hands' thing.
I just don't. If I ever was like that with anyone I would have to be pretty bloody infatuated and even then I wouldn't because I'd be 'too clingy'. This doesn't bother me but I know it can't be nice for the other person and I understand that but I'm not gonna force myself to be fake and put myself in an uncomfortable position. I don't care of the outcome. If someone truly loves you, they will be understanding of that. 

I like to handle things alone.

I NEVER ask people for help. I don't go running to people at the first sign of trouble. I don't like people getting involved when they think I'm having a hard time. People will just worry about me because they care but all it does it stress me out more. I just prefer to be left to it. Luckily, a lot of people have worked this out for themselves and are super understanding about it. I'm old enough and independent enough to sort things out for myself. If I really need peoples help I will let them know. Just let me come to you if need be. I don't like to hear peoples opinions, I'm happy for people to give advice but don't ever tell me what I should and shouldn't do.
I don't like to open up to people and sometimes people think they have a right to know everything that's going on in my life but I just don't think it's anyone elses business. If you text me asking...is everything alright? I'll just be like...yeah why? If I genuinely want to open up to someone, I will do so in my own time. 
I like when people can just respect that I'm capable of doing things alone. That's what makes me happy. People knowing I'm strong enough to do things myself but are there if I need them. 
I'm lucky to have a handful of people who instantly spring to mind <3 


I'm too scared of what other people will think.

Sometimes I will let things bother me for months and months on end before I get too fed up and do something about it. The only reason I will procrastinate and drag things out is because of other people. I remember being absolutely TERRIFIED to tell people we were cancelling the wedding. It shouldn't be like that. I should just be like 'Look. This is what makes me happy so tough shit' 
and all that worrying was for nothing. Because everyone just said 'If that's what makes you happy' in the end anyway!


I'm very impulsive.

I will make big decisions within seconds. By big decisions I mean...I will quit my job and move to another part of the country just 'because'.
When I do things like that it's usually a desperate bid at happiness. If I've been unhappy for a while, I'll think about how I could fix it for months and months on end but that final decision is always very impulsive. Like...fuck it...I'm moving to Scotland. I'll just leave everything behind. A lot of people would think that's really not a good idea and not sensible etc...however I have ALWAYS been one for following my heart and not my head. I followed my head once and ended up unhappy. Every time I have followed my heart and done what I truly believed would make me happy...I've been so so glad I did it. Although I can put myself in some stressful situations, it always works out in the end and throughout all the stress, I'm still happy and that's what is it important. My dad once told me 'Stace. Do what makes you happy' and its the words I live by. If ever you don't agree with one of my decisions just know I'm just doing what makes me happy. So please be happy for me.

I'm crap at keeping in touch with people.

I am the WORST for keeping in touch with people, or making plans. Every time I do catch up with a mate (always because they have contacted me first) I will say 'Aww we should meet up soon! I miss you!' 
But then I just won't. I don't even know why I'm like this. If I do go to visit someone I have to work myself up for weeks and by the time I get home I'm exhausted. 

I'm incredibly anti-social.

Similar to my last point, I avoid people. I never answer my phone, I don't text back, I don't call people or text people. If I get invited out it's very rare I'll go. I think on the Internet I come across as maybe a bit of an extrovert but in real life...I'm the biggest introvert. I'm just not a people person. Which can be incredibly hard when you have a job involving customer service. A lot of people can take it to heart and think I don't like them, but it's nothing personal. I don't like anyone.

I say mean things through anger.

If I'm really really angry because you've hurt me, I will say whatever I can to hurt you, even if it's too harsh and I know it. I'll regret it once I've calmed down but I don't think before I say things and I can end up ruining things with someone.

I don't stand up for myself enough.

If a friend or someone was to upset me I wouldn't say anything. I can't be dealing with the hassle. I'd rather keep it bottled up inside and stress about it too myself.

I stand up for myself too much.

On the other hand I CAN stand up for myself too much. If a stranger was to give me shit about my appearance I would give them a piece of my mind. I can admit when I am in the wrong and that is one positive thing about me I'm going to throw into this blog post. I am the first to apologise if I need too. I never used to be like that but I've matured a lot over the past 2 years and now I can be the bigger person. However, if I am not in the wrong and I KNOW I am not in the wrong, I will stand my ground until the cows come home. If you are rude to me and I truly feel it's unnecessary, you're getting it. The reason it's a flaw is because my immediate reaction is anger. I'll just flip my lid rather than trying to sort this through calmly.

I give up easily.

I really throw myself into things and I'll do really well with them but then one day I'll just decide I'm not doing it anymore. I spent a lot of time and money becoming a qualified beauty therapist...haven't done anything with it since. Blogging is the only thing I've stuck to and I do NOT plan on giving that up anytime soon. 

I'm almost TOO ambitious?

Is it possible to be too ambitious? I think what I'm trying to say is...I'll set myself a goal and do anything I can to achieve it and when I do I'm like 'Great! Now what? What's next?'
I'm never satisfied. I've always got to be doing better. Resulting in me never been quite happy with my achievements and I should be proud of myself more than I am.




I feel like I've just gone through all these flaws and sat there trying to justify them all... but it's a start. I've addressed them and I'm more aware of them. I think it's good just to be able to admit out loud that I have these flaws and I am aware of them.
I will end this on a positive note...I plan to do a similar blog post but in regards to all the things I love about myself in the next week or so. 
I'm not all doom and gloom ;)

Much love, 

PMS Bitch xoxo 






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4 comments

  1. Oh my gosh, it honestly sounds like we are the same person. I push people away out of fear of being hurt and if I feel like someone doesn't give me enough reassurance, I give them nothing and can be so cold. I also say awful things when angry that I regret soon after- it's the worst. Basically, I could relate to all of these so it's comforting to know that others are this way too!

    I feel like we are just introverted people, who may not be as affectionate as others but have so much love and loyalty to give, which is why we are so caught off guard when we don't receive the same love and reassurance from others. Everyone has their flaws, being aware of them and admitting them is so important, and they are things we'll always work on.

    Thanks for sharing this, I really enjoyed the post and how relatable it was xx

    Sending light & love your way,

    My Lovelier Days

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    Replies
    1. I'm so so sorry for such a late reply, your comment really made my day. It's just so nice that you're not alone isn't it? And if this post only helped one person, well then I'm happy. I definitely agree that we must be introverts!

      I'm really glad you enjoyed the post, thank you for taking the time to read it.

      All the best,

      Stacie xx

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  2. You are, unapologetically you! That's what matters. Flaws and all. If only we can all be truthful to ourselves, then things will be so much easier.

    Great post!

    www.onyixtus.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, what a lovely comment! x

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